So Apparently I’m an Apple Shape...

Image via Diane Kennedy

A few weeks back, I popped by the pharmacy to get my chronic medication. Gosh, the word ‘chronic’ makes me sound like I’m an invalid on death’s door. Let me rephrase – I went to get my monthly medication, hay fever tablets and the like. When I reached the front of the agonisingly long queue, my ‘friendly pharmacist’, who is actually friendly in real life and quite good-looking too, stared deeply into my eyes and reminded me that I had not yet been for my Vitality Health screening. Yes, he even makes health screenings sound ridiculously romantic.

I decided that I would be able to spare a few minutes, and fortunately the nurse on duty at my local Clicks pharmacy was available immediately. This was quite a rarity, as I’m used to seeing an impressive line of people waiting outside the ‘clinic’, which can hardly be described as a clinic since it’s actually a room no bigger than a shoebox.

In any case, she welcomed me in, filled out my details and then did all the tests included in the Discovery Health screening – cholesterol, blood pressure and HIV. She then took all my measurements – height, weight, waist and hip circumference – to work out my BMI. The conversation that took place between nursie and I offers enough material for another blog post, so I will not digress.

At the end of the screening, I was handed a print out of the results. Being a results oriented person, I was proud to see that I had aced the tests, but it wasn’t until a few days later that I really looked at the print-out and saw the words (I quote directly):

You are at a greater risk of lifestyle related diseases (heart disease etc) because you are an APPLE SHAPE (rather than a pear shape).

Huh? Let me just say that I’ve never been a fan of what appears to be a ‘medical’ system that compares women’s body shapes to fruit. I can think of many things that my body may abstractly resemble, but please, a fruit? And then, of all the fruits that exist – an apple!?

I’m that girl who has always been described as petite. My mom bought me a blazer at the start of high school so big that I literally drowned in it, yet she was convinced that I would grow into it – I never did. I’m 24, and if I had to pull out that blazer today I would still drown in it. A carrot maybe, a banana perhaps, but an apple? An apple is round. In fact, my personal body shape aside, who have you ever laid eyes on and thought, ‘ah ha, that girl looks just like the apple I ate this morning’?

And then to top it all off, I’m apparently screwed for looking like an apple. A pear, now that would be ideal, since we’re comparing fruits and all. I still don’t get it, but there it is printed out in black and white on an official looking form – you (Amy) are an apple shape ... and a bad apple at that.